not opinionated, just right

A break from my last

2009-03-19T21:15:00.000-07:00

I am pausing for a brief moment from the cramming I'm doing. My last project done in a few hours. And in a few days, another chapter of my life is OVER!

I'm posting it here instead of at my tumblr (happyjellieplace.tumblr.com) because this is an emo post.

I just finished reading Besf's entry and I share the same feelings. I am, at the moment, very nostalgic. Playing scenes of my Devstud past in my mind, repeatedly--trying to figure out how things became how they are. A lot of people would agree that the things are now far from how it all began four years back.

Remember first year? Yes, that year our love team were Puti and Blue--ages before Blue found Angel and Puti went to CBA. Kimi was stuck with Masig--absent always is now always present. Or at least nearly always. BFFs aren't so anymore. And new friendships are formed.

But now, Imma get back to present and continue with Nostagia Zone after reality bites.

ZODIAC 2009

2009-01-19T14:35:00.000-08:00

Stole it from Jo, who got it from Bea.

I like it. The prospects are nice pala for me this year. Hahaha. Unemotional? Sino? Ako?

TAURUS - The Enduring One (April 20 - May 20)

Charming but aggressive. Can come off as boring, but they are not. Hard workers. Warm-hearted. Strong, has endurance. Solid beings who are stable and secure in their ways. Not looking for shortcuts. Take pride in their beauty. Patient and reliable. Make great friends and give good advice. Loving and kind. Loves hard -- passionate. Expresses themselves emotionally. Prone to ferocious temper-tantrums. Determined. Indulges themselves often. Very generous.

CAPRICORN The Go-Getter (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
Patient and wise. Practical and rigid. Ambitious. Tends to be Good-looking. Humorous and funny. Can be a bit shy and reserved. Often pessimistic. Capricorns tend to act before they think and can be Unfriendly at times. Hold grudges. Like competition. Get what they want.

AQUARIUS - The Sweetheart (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
Optimistic and honest. Sweet personality. Very independent. Inventive and intelligent. Friendly and loyal. Can seem unemotional. Can be a bit rebellious. Very stubborn, but original and unique. Attractive on the inside and out. Eccentric personality.

PISCES - The Dreamer (Feb 19 - Mar 20)
Generous, kind, and thoughtful. Very creative and imaginative. May become secretive and vague. Sensitive. Don't like details. Dreamy and unrealistic. Sympathetic and loving. Kind. Unselfish. Good kisser. Beautiful.

ARIES - The Daredevil (Mar 21 - April 19)
Energetic. Adventurous and spontaneous. Confident and enthusiastic. Fun. Loves a Challenge. EXTREMELY impatient. Sometimes selfish. Short fuse. (easily angered.) Lively, passionate, and sharp wit Outgoing. Lose interest quickly - easily bored. Egotistical. Courageous and assertive. Tends to be physical and athletic.

GEMINI - The Chatterbox (May 21 - June 20)
Smart and witty. Outgoing , very chatty. Lively, energetic. Adaptable but needs to express them selves. Argumentative and outspoken. Like change. Versatile. Busy, sometimes nervous and tense. Gossips. May seem superficial or inconsistent. Beautiful physically and mentally.

CANCER - The Protector (June 21 - July 22)
Moody, emotional. May be shy. Very loving and caring. Pretty/handsome Excellent partners for life. Protective. Inventive and imaginative. Cautious. Touchy-feely kind of person. Needs love from others. Easily hurt, but sympathetic.

LEO - The Boss (July 23 - Aug 22)
Very organized. Need order in their lives - like being in control. Like boundaries. Tend to take over everything. Bossy. Like to help Others. Social and outgoing. Extroverted. Generous, warm-hearted. Sensitive. Creative energy. Full of themselves. Loving. Doing the right thing is important to Leos. Attractive.

VIRGO - The Perfectionist (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
Dominant In relationships. Conservative. Always wants the last word. Argumentative. Worries. Very smart. Dislikes noise and chaos. Eager. Hardworking. Loyal. Beautiful. Easy to talk to. Hard to please. Harsh. Practical and very fussy. Often shy. Pessimistic.

LIBRA - The Harmonizer (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
Nice to everyone they meet. Can't make up their mind. Have own unique appeal. Creative, energetic, and very social. Hates to be alone. Peaceful, generous. Very loving and beautiful. Flirtatious. Give in too easily. Procrastinators. Very gullible.

SCORPIO - The Intense One (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
Very energetic. Intelligent. Can be jealous and/or possessive. Hardworking. Great kisser. Can become obsessive or secretive. Holds grudges. Attractive. Determined. Loves being in long Relationships. Talkative. Romantic. Can be self-centered at times. Passionate and Emotional.

SAGITTARIUS - The Happy-Go-Lucky One (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
Good-natured optimist. Doesn't want to grow up (Peter Pan Syndrome). Indulges self. Boastful. Likes luxuries and gambling. Social and outgoing. Doesn't like responsibilities. Often fantasizes. Impatient. Fun to be around. Having lots of friends. Flirtatious. Doesn't like rules. Sometimes hypocritical. Dislikes being confined - tight spaces or even tight clothes. Doesn't like being doubted.

In love

2009-01-17T23:13:00.000-08:00

I think I got what I wanted now.

And as much as I wanted more out of it, this is all I could have.

And despite the woozy feeling, I think I smile better now.

Urbandictionary.com

2009-01-13T15:16:00.000-08:00

Stolen from Jo. I wasn't able to go to school early. So here I am doing the survey thing.thing

1. Name: Jerelle

Will always be hyper if you are hyper

I'm hyper, so where's Jerelle?

Hahaha. Mmkay it does sound like me, huh? Well. Sometimes.

2. Age: 19

A secret code to tell a friend if a girl is really hot. 19 means-really really hard.

Steve: Holy shit, look at that 19!
Lord:Damn shes fine.

Jo chose a different meaning. Dami kasi. Pero hey, why not go with hot, huh?

3. One of your friends: Tep

An expression of laughter pronounced exactly as spelled and often repeated in fives; also often used to replace "lol" in online conversation.

Mel: "wow, my chocolate milk just spilled all over me."
Cat: "tep tep tep tep tep."

4. What should you be doing? Studying

- A blend of the words "student" and "dying," used to convey the slow and painful methods schools use to corrupt the youth into socio-economic puppets.

Teacher: Student, why aren't you studying, you need to study so that you can advance in the world.

Agreed! Hahaha.

5. Favorite color: Aqua

- A color that is a cross between light blue and sea green. it is a jewel. it is often the color if a pices eyes.

i am a pices, and aqua is my favorite color. my eyes are an aqua color. aqua ismy birthstone,march

May tama ka! Ugh.

6. Birthplace: Quezon City, Philippines

Not yet there e.

7. Birthmonth: February

-February is the best month of the year. Its still nice and cold and snowy, but you know that spring is just around the corner if you're tired of all the bad weather. February is also the most unique month. 28 days long,(unless its every four years on a 'leap' year)

Valentines day is also in February. (the fourteenth)It's a fun holiday named after St. Valentine, and it's for cute happy couples. Many single or unhappy peope celebrate the anti Valentines day, ie. Singles awareness day.

People born in February are without a doubt the Cutest, Smartest, and Funniest set of people. If you are born after the 20th, you are also aPIECES. This is the best Zodiac sign.

"Kristy is so cute! Shes nice too! How did she get so purfect and talented?"
"She was born in February"
"OF COURSE! THAT MUST BE IT"

Hahaha. Ayun eh. Nasa birthmonth pala yun.

8. Last person you talked to: Karl

-Big sexy beast, great in bed, every girl loves but doesnt know yet...

oh my god that guys such a karl

Bwahahahahahahahahaha. Mmmkay.

9. Nickname: Jelle

1. A total hottie. Someone who has excellent looks, and maybe more.
2. An outstanding person, personality; a winner.

"Oh man, I could just do that jem."

What can I say? Hot talaga ata ako. Blog ko to, walang kokontra, Friends.

10. Your boyfriend's name. Mang asar ka pa!

The end.

In an effin whirl

2008-12-18T14:22:00.000-08:00

I was out of the circulation for a day and I admittedly missed half of my life.

Oh well. Baby therapy badly needed.

"You are my life now."

2008-12-03T21:52:00.000-08:00

Yeah. Yeah. Say it.

I'm a little too late to start being a Twilight fanatic. And just so you know, I don't intend to be one. (Although, may I just say that Edward Cullen is THE ultimate sweet talker. I wish my old shirt knows how to talk that way. Oh wait, he does.)

I just had to quote it. I used to tell my old shirt that he was my life. And for obvious reasons, many people would agree. But you see, it isn't how I want it to be.

Bella Swan said that "To die in the place of someone else is a good way to go." What would she say to dying because of someone else? Relax, friends. I don't intend to die. Not now. Not yet, anyway.

I am tired. Tired of having to people notice me only when I have to say good bye. I am tired of having to look in the mirror and recite to myself who I think loves me enough to stop me. Tired of having people stop me, then forget me when I decide not to do it anyway.

See, it's very, very difficult to be me. People always think they know me. That it's all because of one person that THEY feel is not for me. They forget that by trying to tell me what they think, they hurt me. They keep thinking that I am staying away from THEM. No, love. You have done something to push me away.

I must admit to my faults. I guess I have recently been away. But you see, for the times I felt that I wasn't one of you anymore, I found some people who understood that they did not need to know everything just so they can make me feel better. Those are times that I wanted to be with you. And for that, I want to be with them. Consider it paying debts.

I do want to stay, but I'm not sure I should.

No, I don't want to die because of someone. But as it happens, I feel the burden of ending life just so I get these people out of my head.

But I won't. So please.

True Friends (sighs)

2008-11-23T02:15:00.000-08:00

May naalala akong lumang entry.

Na baka maalala rin ninyo.

Palagay ko maaalala 'to ni Alpha.

Kasi mabilis ang pick up niya.

Kaya ng lahat ng kwento madali rin niyang nalalaman.

Parang si Jan, up to date yan kahit madalas MIA.

Pero wala na yatang mas dadalas sa pagka MIA ko.

Pero kasi may dahilan ako.

Na sa ibang entry ko na ikukwento.

Balik tayo sa dating entry ko.

Yung entry na sinabi ko na gusto ko ng aso.

Na papangalanan kong Miguel.

Kaso naisip ko baka magalit si Miggy.

Na bihira ko na makita dahil nga MIA ako.

Last na kita ko sa kanya yung burol ng lola ko kasama ni Alpha at Edge.

Si Edge na ang huling balita ko ay tungkol pa sa boylet niya.

Na kay Pearl ko pa nalaman.

So balik tayo ulit sa kwento ko.

So ayun nga.

Gusto ko ng aso.

Yung aso na kasing cute ni Matti.

Na crush na crush ni Bea.

Di bale Besfrend, tatanda rin yang si Matti.

In the meanwhile, you have LP Mark to keep you company.

Si Mark na Plurkboyfriend ko.

Na kaloveteam ni Gia at Bea Lorenzo.

Si Bea na classmate namin ni Dana at Alpha sa streetdance.

At Gia na plurkfriend namin nila Gege.

So balik na tayo sa kwento ko bago ako madistract ng pag iisip tungkol sa ipangreregalo ko kay Chinodoll na nag birthday kahapon.

Gusto ko nga ng aso na Miggy dapat ang ipapangalan ko.

Kaso mahal at naisip ko naman na bibili naman kami ni Karl ng rabbits for Christmas.

Si Karl na Bestee ko.

Na kasama ko madalas pag nakikita ko si Macar sa Rob.

So ayun na nga, bibilhan niya ako ng rabbit na papangalanan ko ng Anna at Guido.

Wait baka magalit si Anna.

Pero hindi naman siguro magagalit yun since bihira ko na siya makita mula nang lumipat siya sa Diliman.

Sa Diliman kung saan lumipat rin sina Alpha, Miggy, Edge, Chino, Imman at Neeanne,

Kaya wag na lang Anna.

Brianna na lang.

Nako wag pala yun.

Baka isipin ni Bry sa pangalan niya kinuha yung pangalan.

Tapos isumbong niya ako kay Mama Zoe na inampon ako recently.

Kahit na di gusto ni Ate Maple.

Hahaha. Sige na nga. Alice na lang.

1-4-3 (part 2)

2008-11-23T01:46:00.000-08:00

"Mahal na mahal kita, pero ang sakit sakit na."

(Yes, Gege, Plurkfriend. That's your line.)

I was typing a comment for Gege. Tapos naisip ko na kung sasabihan ako nyan, nako. Di ko kakayanin. Pero. Wait! Nalinyahan na pala ako niyan. Narinig ko na yan! Hahaha. Hindi ko sasabihin kung sino. Pero palagay ko naman kilala na ninyo yan.

Oo, Alpha. Nasabi na ng lumang tshirt yan. Pero hindi lang siya ang luminya nyan. At! Oo, kilala mo rin ang bagong tshirt.

Napasok na rin naman ang lumang tshirt at bagong tshirt sa usapan, tuloy tuloy na natin.

Ganito kasi yan. Marami ang nagsasabi na ang lumang tshirt dapat nang palitan. Pero hindi kasi ako makahanap ng shirt na sasakto sa maliit kong pangangatawan. Pangit na nga ang luma kong tshirt e. Marami nang patches. Karamihan dun ako ang pumunit at siya ang nanahi. Aminado naman ako na kung naluma man ng husto ang tshirt na yun, yun ay dahil lagi kong gamit. Natatakot kasi ako na mawala siya sa labahan. Kaya naluma na siya ng sobra. Yung mga tshirt na iba naman, hindi ko magamit, hindi tuloy ako makahanap ng bagong tshirt na magiging favorite ko.

Muntik nang meron. Pero nang akala kong mapagsasalit ko na sila ng luma, nagtampo na at nawala sa labahan. May mga pagkakataon na nananawa na ako sa luma. Pero sabi nga ng Tita ko, may "intercontinental" value na kasi ang luma kong tshirt. Parang hindi ko talaga mapakawalan. Alam ko na dadating yung time, di ko na talaga siya masusuot. Di na magagawan ng paraan yung punit.

Pero ayaw ko muna isipin yun. Kasi di ko pa kakayanin.

Iniisip ko pa lang, parang naiistress na ang bangs ko. Kaya tama na. Magagamit ko pa ang lumang tshirt. Sana lang may mahanap ko pa si bago pag ready na ako bumili.

1-4-3

2008-11-19T01:09:00.000-08:00

See, I had one hell of a day.

I woke up to tears, and now I end them with blood.

On my bed. If you know me, you know what I mean. Night.

Rest in Peace Lola Au

2008-10-14T06:12:00.000-07:00

Aurora Cuaresma Martinez passed away at the age of 71 at Capitol Medical Center, 7:30am this morning.

I grew up in my lola's house at Umandal st. It was found beside a creek that often smells bad when it rains. It was a big house. One of my earliest memories would be waking beside Lola Au and snuggling near her armpits. She'd kiss my head and hum a random tune that sounded like a lullabuy and pat my thigh until I get back to sleep.

Growing up, I never got tired of waking up beside her. People know that I HATE having someone hug me when I sleep. But there's something about lola's hug that makes really comfortable with it instead of getting me annoyed. Even when we moved out into our own house, I looked forward to seeing my lola during the weekends.

See, I am practically a lola's girl. We go where ever she goes. She knows my favorites and cooks them everytime she knows I'll come over to eat. She never gets it mixed up even when there's many of us she cooks for. She never fails to buy me fruits and remind me to take a bath properly.

You know, I always feel guilty if I don't see her at least once a week. That's why I make it a point that I visit her even if it's just long enough to say "I love you." If I can't go to her, I make sure I call her, just so I know she's fine and that I can hear her say "I love you too."

Last Sunday, she got rushed to the hospital for a headache. My tita feared it was Aneurism, the same thing that killed my lolo 18 years ago. And she was right. She fell into coma just a few minutes after she came out of the CT scan. I was beside her when they were putting in all those horrible tubes, praying that somehow, those tubes could make her talk to me again. It didn't feel right, having her in such a state. Lola was so strong. She still promised to cook Tinola for me. It was a Sunday! She was supposed to be home, cooking lunch, waiting for me to sneak her a piece of chocolate that she anxiously waited for two days before.

For two days, I begged for her recovery. I wished that God could see my despair and grant my wish. Because at that moment, I didn't care if she'd be fit enough to cook tinola, or if she'd be well enough to do to Matti and JB all she's done for me. All I cared about was her being able to say "I love you too" again.

But I guess, what happened was better. As I watch uniformed men fix her inside her oak casket I realized that she's resting now. No more tubes, no more worries. And she was smiling too.

I love you. And even though I can't hear your voice say it now, I know you love me too.

To "The Crew"

2008-09-24T04:26:00.000-07:00

See, I googled myself (well, technically that was Karl who googled me.) and found a entry by Coreen Frias. She lives in the same village as my cousin, where I used to spend my vacations at. I have a little barkada there, and we call ourselves "the crew." I wasn't there when they named us, but I know the story. See, they were watching You Got Served and that's where they got the name.

It has been almost two years since I last spent time with them and a LOT has happened since then. I haven't done my routine phone calls which I used to do super often. And I hadn't realized just how I miss them, as in REALLY miss them until now. I know that my absence has been less felt and that many things happened to them and I haven't been the best friend, and it kinda sucks because I miss them so, so, so much.

I miss my super girls. Although many may argue that we hadn't spent much time so there isn't really much that I missed, I think it wasn't the amount of time that makes me regret not seeing them. It's the fact that at a certain point in my life, they were the ones who protected me, kept me company and cheered me up. (emo)

I will be there on Halloween. I swear to God, I will be there. I hope that you guys are there too. I wish we could hang out and make up for lost time. And this time, I will stay until morning. No more curfews. The hell with that. Just for a night with my crew.

Confused

2008-08-25T02:36:00.000-07:00

I want to stay. If you know what's happening, will you let me stay?

I want you to be happy.

I'm sorry.

Pessimist

2008-08-12T04:47:00.000-07:00

See, this is a story of a girl who had all the love in the world. Sa sobrang dami, she knew she had to share it. Of course everyone thought she was easy. But it didn't really matter. At some point, she even thought she really WAS. But giving out the love she had was more important.

She hadn't cared... Until one day, she was left with nothing.

She died. Old. Alone. Done for.

For all the boys I've loved before

2008-08-03T06:38:00.000-07:00

Akala mo ang dami no?

If I remember right, there's actually just three. And no. Before you react, no. Toot, and toot, and toot are NOT part of that list of three. He is. Yeah. Loved.

I know what you're thinking. Yeah right, huh?

But really, it's all in the past.

--------------------------------------------------------

To you who introduced me to heartache, screw you. Hahaha. Kidding. Well, we were young. I was way in over my head, and I was trying to dispell my lesbian tendencies. In other words, I was in a hurry to fall in love... With you. Apparently, you didn't really fall. I got terribly hurt. But one week is and awfully short time. I got over it. So don't worry we're cool. No bitterness, no more.

For you who woke me up from a year of self-induced pain and insanity--and brought another set of it on me again, thank you. Knowing how mayabang you are, I think there's a need for me to clarify the story. Well, you were nice kasi. Really nice. BEFORE. I was nursing broken heart and a wounded pride. Being with you was like... A break from my insanity over an ex I barely had. So thank you.

And to you, the guy to whom I gave my heart. I have no intention of getting it back... Yet, so you better do great job of taking care of it. You did promise to be here for me always, right? Take care of it, shield it from people who might want to harm it. I know you will, because despite the previous heartache, I know you care for me. I may not love you anymore in that funny romantic kilig way, but I still care a lot for you. I love you like my brother, my partner, my best friend. Just like how I should.

Agitated

2008-07-10T05:18:00.000-07:00

I am in hate with someone right now.

You see, I am a strong believer of action and change. But REALLY! Some people simply miss the point behind all this.

Fine. Like I can do any better. But it sucks.

For a long time, I have seen it as an avenue for change and hope. But right now. I am gravely disappointed.

LORD! Shower them with Your wisdom.

If not, help them shake the stupidity out of their heads.

The Princess and the Pea

2008-06-17T05:15:00.000-07:00

You know how in the fairytale, the princess--the real princess--found the pea despite the numerous mattresses?

I just realized that in most ways, I like the princess.

Right. No tiaras for me. Definitely not of royal blood.

But just like her, I turn black and blue over a very small portion of my anatomy: my heart.

I don't mean it literally (although I COULD turn black and blue because of my heart problems), of course.

I think, that despite my many layers of happy thoughts, good memories and awesome friends, i find my little pea of distress. I find discontent every night despite my efforts to be happy within the day. And it is because of this pea that I don't get to enjoy my life

I am now intending to ignore this pea.

DI BALE NANG HINDI AKO PRINCESS!

I'm in pain, but you'll never see it on my face

2008-06-12T05:10:00.000-07:00

I stared at myself in the mirror and realized how awful I've been looking lately. Awful doesn't cover it. Pathetic. Yeah, that's the word.

And for what? For things that doesn't really matter.

My mom complained about how thin I am, and for a rare instance, my dad actually agreed with her. At first I thought that they were just ganging up on me. But see, the weighing scale says they are correct. I've been eating less. Missing meals. Losing appetite because of depression. And her. And YES!

But it doesn't matter. They both, obviously, don't give a damn about me. Maybe Mommy Ruth is right: I oughta love myself more now. No one else would. It's going to be me, myself and I. And a few chosen friends.

Peace.

Rest in peace Lolo.

2007-12-24T10:07:00.000-08:00

On the evening of 15th of December, my lolo died.

I know it sounds so apathetic. Like it is no big deal that he is gone... And I guess, for a time, I really didn't care.

It was around this time last year that I received the news about my lolo's liver cancer. My mom said he had until April. At that time, all I said was a lousy "okay." I didn't know how to react. Because, although he lived several steps away from our house, I barely talk to him. I was even bothered by the fact that the news didn't even make me half as sad as the way my mom sounded when she said it.

Series of events followed: my debut, his birthday, 3 hospitalizations... And yes, he lived past April. He looked strong and healthy. Well, he lost weight, but no other symptom was noticeable--until we all learned that his liver cancer progressed and that he had two more cancers to worry about.

We all knew that he was sick and that he was beyond cure. But nothing prepared us for last week. On December 4, we had to rush him to hospital, he was having difficulty breathing. The doctors said that he was going to be lucky if he lives to celebrate Christmas.

He wasn't. On the aftrenoon of December 15, I passed by his room to see him being attatched to an oxygen tank. I had no idea that would return before midnight to find him lifeless. And for the first time, I felt the sadness I should have felt before.

But it's too late to wallow in sadness. I just hope my lolo knows that I do love him and that he will be sorely missed.

Rest in peace.

Potassium, depression, and my quest for happiness

2007-11-03T07:19:00.000-07:00

I am sucked into a sudden void.

No. Not a void. It was a bubble of sadness that enveloped my whole being.

I feel like I am my menopausal stage way too early.

I am sorry. I know YOU don't like seeing me like this. I tried be happy. Just for you. But the sadness sucked me in.

Buy me

2007-10-25T02:28:00.000-07:00

My heart wants you.

Please bring me home.

Smother Me

2007-10-23T19:43:00.000-07:00

Let me be the one who calls you baby

All the time

Surely you can take some comfort

Knowing that you're mine

Just hold me tight, lay by my side

and let me be the one who calls you

Baby all the time

Yeah, I'd love to have someone who calls me baby. Someone aside from my parents. I want to be HIS baby. It's a very mababaw standard for who I want to spend the rest of my life with. It sounds very stupid, even to me. All I want is someone who'll call me baby, and be comforted with the thought of belonging to someone who belongs to me.

I've tried the waiting for love cliche, but the whole set up doesn't suit me. I am a hopeless romantic. So easy to lure into a relationship, so hard to push out. I give in to anybody who is willing to share his time. I guess love really isn't for me. I don't think I need it---well not yet. As of now, I am willing to get smothered by the love my family and friends give me. My love life can remain zero for now.

But if you're Mr. Right, what the fruck are you waiting for? Don't keep me waiting too long. I might fall for some guy that'd leave me broken and burn. You wouldn't want that.

Understanding baby talk and other annoying subliminal messages

2007-10-16T17:59:00.000-07:00

I have, ever since the start of my semi-vacation, been my cousins' (no typo there, I have two baby cousins) yaya. No complains about that. Like I said before, I love kids. I don't mind making them drink milk or humming lullabys, as long as I don't have to change their diapers and wash them after.

What I really dislike about playing slave to those cute little ones is the fact that at one month (Jupiter) and a year old (Matti), they both cannot SAY what they want or what troubles them. If you know me well, you'll know that I am very bad at interpreting the not-so obvious.

Here' s an example:

Matti: Mamamamamamama

Jem: No, baby, I'm not your mama.

Matti: MAMAMAMAMAMAMA

Jem: (Scratches head) Hunny, your mom's at work.

Ate Edith: Kargahin mo. Sama daw siya sayo.

Toinks. How was I to know? Here's another.

Jupiter: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Jem: Stop crying, baby. You hungry? (Gives milk)

Jupiter: (Refuses to drink) Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Jem: Ate's here. (Checks diapies, finds nothing.)

Tita Gigi: Kargahin mo, ayaw niyang humiga.

Really. A baby that old cries ALL THE TIME. Why can't he go "I want some frucking milk, Biatch." Instead of flinging his arms around?

But I guess, God has his reaons. If a baby was that foul-mouthed, I'd have slapped him with his milk bottle.

But guys? No matter how old they get, they're always so HARD to understand.

One minute, they go "love you" then go "I'm not so sure" the next.

They go "I won't do it" but you see them doing it in the span of less than a day.

Subliminal messages are so not my thing. If you're not two years years old or younger, give it to me straight.

And to you, "Love you your face."

Nostalgic

2007-10-08T18:40:00.000-07:00

A normal day for Devstud third years starts with me by the door. You see, my mom's wall clock was one hour early.

But it wasn't like this before.

On our first year, more than half us were there one hour early. My mom's clock was not out of place. We'd stay at the hall nearest our classroom, big enough to accommodate 40 new scholars. We were a noisy lot. Professors never fail to mention that.

But the year after, some transferred to Diliman, others to a different course. We had four new classmates. And we were still as fun-loving as we were the previous year. We never ran out of silly banter and loud conversations.

This year, although we still knew how to have fun, we simply weren't the same group anymore. Slightly quieter. And I sit alone one hour before the class.

---

(Yesterday, during the weekly meeting of the busy with nothing, we talked about making a block video. The one I made during our first year was too out dated and amateurly made. We even thought of making a teleserye with Mark and Bea or Riki and Jan as our lead protagonists. If it was an idea made in first year, it would have been Mark and Dana or RC and Edge. Funny how time changes everything. Yeah, people do change.

Hunny, it screws the other way

2007-09-30T04:01:00.001-07:00

I am a klutz.

I have a feeling I was born one.

You know those kids who trips on their own shoelaces? I'm one of those.

If I give you a rundown of all the misfortunes I had as a kid, we'll never get to the end of it. Those klutzy moments weren't all bad. You see, aside from the momentary unconscious state, the bleeding nose, and the numerous stitches, I guess I had a very happy klutzy childhood. Hey, I'm still alive. Relatively healthy, despite the lack of body fat and excess weight. (I AM TRYING to gain more weight. I swear.)

I remember one time, I was hit by a cab. I was disoriented for, like, three days--that was after I woke up from being unconscious for at least 24 hours (according to my mom's not so good memory). I went to the door, trying to pull where it says I ought to push, and ended up being frustrated. So I went to the refrigerator instead, I got a bottle of juice and tried to unscrew it. I couldn't take the stupid cap off. So, being the disoriented five year old that I was, I did what I do best: I cried. My mom came to the rescue and said, "Hunny it screws the other way." She carried ma back to bed and sang me my favorite lullaby, something she rarely did at that time(I was five, not a lot of mothers sing lullabys to five year olds with two tear old sisters).

And I guess that was what made it all okay. I was a klutz. But I had people who loved me that way.

Babies

2007-09-24T02:00:00.000-07:00

Just a while ago, Matti, my baby cousin walked pass the computer. He tappped--no, not tap--he practically SLAMMED his palm into my laptop's keyboard and caused the keys to go haywire. I, of course, went into a confusing mixture of emotions (namely, anger, and fear). Being the one year old that he is, he smiled excitedly and slammed his fists on the keyboard again.

Out of momentary insanity, I grabbed his hand and held hard. He flinched at the sudden movement and looked up with cute puppy eyes. For a moment, he looked like he was going to cry. I sighed. Yeah. He's just a kid.

Kids.

Care free.

Who could ever get angry with them. Especially with one as cute as Matti?

I kissed his had and let go. And before I could do anything to stop him, his hand took a third hit at my gadget.

And hey, he fixed it. The keyboard is back to normal.

What happens when the pixie dust stops working?

2007-09-24T00:18:00.000-07:00

You mean, what happens aside from you having to wish Peter Pan's alert enough to carry you back to Neverland just so you don't fall to the ground with your head open?

I honestly don't know.

I guess you'll have to rely on the happy thoughts that brought you up in the air. You have to hope they're happy enough to keep you up there.

---

People go through the trouble of making a wonderland for themselves. We are all escapists at a certain point. But when you run out of pixie dust and it can't help you induce happy moments anymore, that's when you end up realizing that living a lie doesn't remove all your worries.

But we still keep on doing it--catching our imaginary Tinkerbells and shaking her over our heads. Because that's what we want to do. That's what we NEED to do to survive the oh-so cruel world. Escapism keeps everyone sane.

Everybody does it. Some of us just get bigger dosages.

I think I need loads of it now.

Disappointing ball game

2007-09-18T06:05:00.000-07:00

I was weak, and I was more alone than ever.

I am important to him. Just not as important as I wanted to be.

They do love me, at some point, they even trust me. But not as trusted as I want to be.

I am pretty. But not as pretty as I wanted to be.

Life isn't fair. But I guess, it's just how it was meant to be.

It's like a very disappointing ball game. It doesn't turn out the way you want it to.

However hard you try.

However hard you pray.

That's how it is--you know, for losers like me.

So near, yet so far

2007-09-13T01:17:00.000-07:00

You said you know me too well.

You said you know how to make me smile.

You know how I write.

You can predict what I'm about to say.

You know what I'd like to eat.

You say you know how I think.

What's wrong then?

What I have to do in order to get to know YOU?

Banahaw and the day after

2007-09-09T20:41:00.001-07:00

I went to Banahaw (again) yesterday. It was tiring and a little lonely, but I did enjoy it.

You see, I was looking forward to going up Banahaw again. This time with a different set of friends, that I wouldn't have to scurry after just to make sure I don't get left behind. With Paola, Pearl, Jan, and Dana, we don't hurry, we enjoy the moment. Just like the Taal trip. (Well, Jan and Pearl weren't there, but you do get the point.)

But that wasn't what happened.

I went with people that I went with were fun people. But it wasn't quite the same. I get along with them pretty well individually, but they belong to barkadas and it was harder to fit in. I felt sort of lonely during certain parts of the trip that I sort of wished I hadn't come along.

Not that they were bad company. They were VERY accomodating throuogout the trip. Karl made sure that I enjoyed the trip. It's just that it wasn't how I WANTED it to be.

Plus, the trip wasn't like the one we had in fourth year. It was shorter. We didn't climb Kalbaryo. But it was tiring, nevertheless.

This morning I woke up still feeling tired. I was also down with fever. But still, I think my second trip to Banahaw was nothing to regret. I was wet, wild, and tired.

Man, Am I bad!

2007-08-30T01:53:00.000-07:00

You look it over the following list and see how many of these things you have done. BUT you have to ADD up the money amount along the way. Then post the amount that you are as the title of the bulletin.PS: the smaller the better!

1. Had sex: P40.00
2. Smoked: P40.00
3. Drank alcohol: P20.00
4. Went skinny dipping: P40.00
5. Kissed someone of the opposite sex: P4.00
6. Kissed someone of the same sex: P20.00
7. Cheated on a test: P28.00
8. Fell asleep in class: P20.00
9. Been expelled: P40.00
10. Been in a fist fight: P40.00
11. Given oral: P40.00
12. Got oral: P40.00
13. Prank called the police: P40.00
14. Stole something: P40.00
15. Done drugs: P40.00
16. Dyed your hair: P20.00
17. Done something sexually with someone older (like a few years): P40.00.
18. Courted someone OVER 18 (if you're under 18): P40.00
19. Ate a whole bag of oreos: P40.00
20. Cried yourself to sleep: P2.00
21. Said you love someone but didn't mean it: P4.00
22. Been in love: P20.00
23. Got caught doing something that you shouldnt have been doing: P40.00
24. Went streaking: P4.00
25. Got arrested: P40.00
26. Cuddled: P4.00
27. Peed in the pool: P20.00
28. Played spin the bottle: P40.00
29. Done something you regret: P20.00

Now add up and post as "I COST P...."

How much do YOU cost?

American time

2007-08-29T21:21:00.000-07:00

Two days ago, my lola's helper and I were talking about moving out. You see, it started when I saw Tita Schell's new pup out in the veranda. It was getting really late so I opened the lights outside. Ate Jo closed it at around 12mn. I complained to her and asked her to open the lights again. Ate Jo reasons that dogs are pretty much like Americans.

Americans? Huh? She says that at the age of eighteen, Americans move out to live on their own (So not true. My cousin lives in L. A. and she's twenty. She still lives with her parents and grandparents.) and dogs are like that. Only they "move out" right after they get to walk. After that argument, she launches a speech about the American lifestyle in awe.

She marvels on the punstuality of Americans and expressed her disdain on what she calls the Filipino time. At some point, I started brushing my teeth and stopped listening.

It was funny how most Filipinos still are amazed at the prospect of living in the United States. I, personally have given up on the thought of doing so. Not that I can't. I just don't want to. I can't stand the thought of leaving my life, my friends, my lola-- and certainly cannot leave him.

My parents are very much decided o leaving soon, though. They're getting us papers. They don't have fixed plans yet. But I'm sure I don't like it.

Oh, well. There's plenty more time to rethink and decide. As of the moment, I'm sticking to the Filipino time.

Matti is love

2007-08-27T20:41:00.000-07:00

Matti turns a year old today.

He can walk now. Well, he falls every now and then. I think it's normal since he's just starting to really learn how.

We brought him to the mall yesterday to get his haircut. Alas, all his curls fell away. I had to say goodbye to my cute little cherubim. He's still cute. But he looks like, as Kitty put it, Mickey Mouse. He looks like a miniture three year old boy.

He's becoming more scheming and manipulative by the day. He knows when and where his tantrums will be bought by his parents and everyone else. I, for one, can't stand the thought of making him cry. So he gets away with everything: pulling my hair, sinking his pearly whites into my shoulder, and even dropping my phone.

What can I say? Matti is love.

Survey says

2007-08-26T02:59:00.000-07:00

1. have you ever been asked out?

- Yeah, loads. By my friends. (Guys, when is the partey?)

2. what's your middle name?

- Emo

3. your current relationship status?

- Still single.

4. does your crush like you back?

- I'd like to think so. Heehee. wenkwenk

5. what is ur current mood?

- Lost.

6. what color underwear are you wearing?

- Uh. Black. Don't check if it's true.

7. what color shirt are youwearing?

- Aqua Blue. At least I think it's aqua blue.

8. if you could go back in time and change something, what would it be?

- I'd change nothing. Its kinda scary, meddling with time.

9. if you must be an animal forone day, what would you choose to be?

- I want to be a dolphin. Or a goldfish in my crush's room.

10. ever had a near death experience?

- Oh, yeah, loads! Like, this time I got hit by a cab. And I was unconcious for a day, I think.

11. something you do a lot

-Sulk and stare. Scary huh?

12. the song stuck in yourhead?

- Jenny by I'm not sure who.

13. whom did you copy and paste this from?

- My sister, I got envious. Teehee.

14. name someone with the samebirthday as YOU?

- Mrs. Dacutan, my fourth year Filipino teacher. It was scary, how I found out.

15. when was the last time you cried?

- August 23, 2007

16. have you ever sang in frontof a large audience?

- Haha. I wish. But nobody has the guts to listen to my uhm golden voice.

17. if you could have one superpower what would it be?

-I want to metamorphose, like Tonks from Harry Potter. So I can shoo my zits away.

18. what's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

- Their eyes. It's the first thing I look at.

20. what do you usually order from starbucks?

- Banana Java Chip Frappe

21. what's your biggest secret?

- If I tell you, then it won't be my secret anymore, won't it?

22. favorite color?

- Aqua blue.

23. do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows?

- Yeah. Just recently I watched surfs up. Or at least I think that was the title of that film.

24. what are you eating or drinking?

- Nothing at the moment, hay, I guess that's why I'm sooo thin.

25. do you speak anyother language?

- You mean aside from English? I speak Filipino. And very, very minimal Spanish. Mi habla no Espanyol.

26. what's your favorite smell?

- If you mean scent, I like Princess by zenzest. But if you mean smell, as in, smell, I like the smell of butter and garlic when it's being sauteed.

27. Describe your life in one word

- Emo. Agree?

28. have you ever kissed in the rain?

- No. I don't think it romantic. It's just going to get me and him sick.

29. what are you thinking about right now?

- I'm thinking of what I'm thinking of.

30. what should you be doing?

- Folding clothes.

31. who was the last person that made you upset/angry?

- Patrick Star.

32. how often do you pray?

- At least twice a day. I pray more when I feel like I'm in trouble.

33. do you like working inthe yard?

- What yard?

34. if you could have any last name in the world, what would you want it to be?

135:)(o)

35. do you act differently around the person you like?

- No. I like my friends but I think I act okay around them. Heehee. Seriously? I think I do. I get a little louder than I intend to be.

36. what is your natural hair color?

- Hazel brown.

37. who was the last person tomake you cry?

- my mom.

Thoughts and not so secret desires

2007-08-19T20:24:00.000-07:00

I am hoping to get a cute baby boy in, like, seven or eight years from now. I don’t care if I’m married or not by then. But I think I ought to be so that my parents won’t get ballistic. That way, I’ll be able to enjoy my pregnant days, with supportive parents and a husband to get me all my cravings. Like, say, Daniel Radcliffe. Right, Pearl?

I want a dog. I want a Shi Tzu. I’ll name her Leanne or Nicole. But I think I’ll like a German shepherd or Golden Retriever that I’ll name Miguel or Francis. Isn’t that cute? Oh. Sorry, Miguel. I just really like the name. It has nothing to do with you, really. But if you really find it offensive, I can always go with Andre.

I am super tamad. I ought to do something about it. But what CAN I do about it? It’s who I am. Like, if I had a project for submission next week, my whole body is programmed to ignore it until the day before its due date. But my procrastination is getting really disturbing. See, I postpone EVERYTHING. From taking a bath (I take a bath everyday, but I take a bath in the afternoon if I don’t have classes) to a major paper, I never get the urge to do it early. I get the rush of inspiration from cramming.

I am very hard to please. Well, not THAT hard to please. If I’m dissatisfied, I won’t let you know. But unlike Paola, whose craving for ice cream is not limited to one flavor I’ll only be very, very happy about getting ice cream if it’s mint flavored. But if it’s not, I’ll still thank you for it. After all, I rarely complain when a craving or a preference is not gratified. So, Dana, I’ll still appreciate whatever you treat us to—as long as it’s for free.

I like singing, only singing doesn’t seem to like me as much. I sing in the shower. I sing when I’m alone. I sing myself to sleep. Here’s the thing, even my mom thinks singing is not for me. The only person who likes me singing is Karl, but I think it’s part of the supportive best friend routine.

I want to get rid of the whole oh-so-emo attitude. Maybe I can go schizophrenic, and let the sad Jerelle out only when I’m alone. That sounds plausible. After all, I’m rarely alone. That means that I’ll rarely be sad too. What do you think, Jan?

Pon and Zi and Me

2007-08-17T23:31:00.000-07:00

Jan's last entry was so Emo. I wonder if sound like that all the time.

I am Emo. I'm like some unnoticed drama queen living in my kingdom of Emo-ness.

I wallow in self pity and manage to swim in and out the bottomless pit of craziness.

I wish I could be like Pon. Being able to show unconditional love. Capable of loving despite obvious rejection. So optimistic. Still able to look at the brighter side of things.

Oh. No, I think I'd rather be Zi.

The thought of being Zi is nice. I get to walk around not liking anybody. Being insensitive to the point of being mean. and the best part of being Zi is that I still have Pon declaring undying love for me despite my continued disregard for everything.

Whatever. Whoever I end up being, whether it be Pon or Zi, I won't be very different from the very Emo me.

Aba! Bago 'to Ah

2007-08-15T01:10:00.000-07:00

Kakaiba. Bago kasi sa ‘kin yung ganito. Yung parang gagong kinikilig. Lagay na yan nginitian lang ako. Paano pa kaya kung lumapit pa sya? Nyak korny. Ano kaya sasabihin ni Bespren dito? Oo nga no? Si Bespren. Ano kaya pinagkakaabalahan nun ngayon? Hmpf! Parang bago pa sa ‘kin na hindi sya nagpapakita ng mukha. Simula naman nang mag-high school kami bihira na kaming magkita. Tama lang yun. Baka mapagkamalan pa sya ni papa na manliligaw ko, mabaril pa sya nang di oras.

Nakakatawang isipin na namimiss ko pa rin pala yung gagong yun. Sabagay, marami rami din naman kasi yung pinagsamahan namin nun eh. Para kaming kambal nun. Hindi nga lang kami parehas ng birthday at mga magulang. Kasama sa routine nya noon ang paiyakin ako, at bubugbugin naman sya ni kuya. Naaawa naman ako kaya pinatitigil ko rin agad. Aba, di biro gumawa ng bata ah. Pero nakalakihan na namin yun. Hindi yung bugbugan ha, yung mag-asaran.

Gaya nung last week. Yun na ata ang huling tawag nya. Si Patrick pa yung pinagusapan namin. Yung crush ko na kapatid ng classmate ko. Akalain mong binabaan pa ako ng telepono tapos nag-text. Naririndi na raw sya sa kaka-Patrick ko. Tinawanan ko lang siya at sinabihang tumawag ulit. Tumawag nga. Siya naman tong puro pangalan ng babae ang binabanggit pero mabait ako, hindi ko sya binabaan. Sanay na rin naman ako na iba’t ibang pangalan ng babae ang sinasabi nya kada linggo. Normal na yon kay Bespren.

“O ano na nagyari dun sa chicks mo dati?” ang tanong ko

Tinawanan lang niya ko. Aba! Seryoso tanong ko ah! Di dapat tinatawanan lang yun!

“O ano na?”

“Anong ano? Seryosong tanong ba yun?”

“Ayyy, grabe hindi! Ano na nga pangalan nun? Tin?”

“Asus. Wala na kami.”

Sabi sa nyo eh. Si bespren, kung magpalit ng babae parang nagpapalit ng damit. Pag hindi na sya mapakali, “next girl please” ang drama nya. Nagkaroon na siya ng girlfriend na Angela, Bernice, Candy, Darrielle, Erika at marami pang iba. Pag pinagsamasama mo lahat ng pangalan ng girlfriends nya makakabuo ka na ng alphabet. Ganun siya katinik. Ako lang ata ang hindi niya magago. Kung sabagay, hindi nga naman kami talo.

Hayy, sus, tsaka na lang ulit ako magrereminisce. Si Patrick na lang muna iisipin ko. Bakit kaya panay ang ngiti nun sa kin? Nasisiraan na kaya siya ng bait? Pasensya na ah. Wala talaga akong alam sa ganito. Kung andito lang sana si bespren… Aba! May nagtext! Naka naman… Lakas talaga ng pakiramdam nitong gagong to. Si Carlo nga. Nakakagat daw nya labi nya, wag ko naman daw sya masyadong isipin. Aba kung hindi ka nga rin naman feeler ano? In fairness, tama sya. Biniro ko: Wala ka sigurong bagong victim noh? Hindi nagreply.

Akalain mo, after five minutes, tumawag. Ang ganda pa nga ng bungad eh…

“Yabang mo naman.”

“Hindi ba totoo?”

Hindi sya sumagot. Humugot sya ng hininga. Ang lalim nun ah.
“Sige, wrong timing ata ako.”

“Asus, nagdrama. Tamang tama ka nga lang eh!”

“Bakit? Miss mo na ko?”

“Hindi.”

“Ah… ganun? Sayang pala load ko tsaka pamasahe…”

“Pamasahe?”

Napatayo ako dun. Silip ako sa bintana. Aba! Andun nga sya! Ang tagal ko siyang tinitigan bago sya magsalita ulit. Nangangawit na ata.

“Hoy! Baka gusto mo naman akong papasukin noh?”

“Ayyy, oo nga naman pala. Sige wait!”

Sa sobrang excited ko, nagtatakbo ako pababa. Muntik ko nang mabunggo si kuya. Mukhang alam na rin nyang andun si Carlo sa gate. Nagparinig na kasi: “Boypren mo asa baba! Takbo na. Makita ka pa ni Papa. Lagot ka!” Tinaasan ko na lang siya ng kilay bago ko batukan. Tapos, tuloy na ako sa pagbukas ng gate.

“Wow. Sa wakas. Kala ko next year mo pa bubuksan yung pinto.”

Sasarhan ko na sana ulit ng pinto kung hindi ko lang talaga sya miss! Hiniritan ko na lang.

“O, ano, magtititigan na lang ba tayo dito?”

Nginitian nya ko. Sus, para namang may epekto sa ‘kin yung smile nyang yun. “Killer” smile daw yun sabi ng ibang kabarkada ko na patay na patay sa kanya. Killer? Yun? Eh parang ngising aso nga eh. Pero sya lang ang kilala kong ganun ngumiti. Kakaiba nga siguro yung smile nya.

“Hello? Earth to Bespren?”

“Wala ka pa ring ipinagbago! Pumasok na nga tayo!”

Ano kaya topak nito ngayon? Parang si Patrick, ngiti nang ngiti. Kaso sya, may kasamang iling. Parang yung ginagawa ng mga monggoloid. Hindi ko tuloy maiwasang itanong kung anong topak nya.

“Ha? Topak? Wala ah?”

Parang hindi convincing.

“May tanong ako sa’yo, pero kailangan totoo ang sagot.”

Napakunot noo ko. Aba, bago to ah!

“Tibo ka ba?”

Ano daw? Tibo? Sino? Ako? Aba, gago to ah!

“Ako? Tibo? Gago ka ba?”

“Seryoso ‘ko. Tibo ka ba?”

“Seryoso din ako! Hindi ah!”

Napabuntonghininga sya, tapos nginitian ako. Tinaasan ko nga ng kilay. Ang lakas ng topak ng taong to. Kakaiba talaga. Bago to. Never pa siyang tinopak ng ganito kalakas. Andun lang kami naglalaro ng titigan. Hindi siya nagsasalita. Hindi rin naman ako makapagsalita. Ano naman sasabihin ko?

“Baka gusto mong mag-explain kung anong topak nanaman to.”

“Wag na muna. Baka hindi ka lang maniwala. Basta kailangan ko lang tanungin kung tibo ka. Lamo na, para sure.”

“Sure na ano?”

Parang alam ko na sasabihin nya: BAKLA SYA! Shiet. Kawawa naman fans club nya! Bibiruin ko na sana siya kaso parang ang lalim ng iniisip nya. Kaya quiet na lang ako. Biglang dating naman ang walang utak kong kapatid, na mukhang mas malakas pa ang topak kay Carlo.

“O, ano Carlo? Nasabi mo na?”

OH MY GOD?! Sila na? Ang kuya ko at ang best friend ko BADING! This is so not right. Nanlaki talaga mata ko dun. Umiiling-iling pa ako. Parang nagtatanong, nanghihingi ng explanasyon. Carlo rolled his eyes.

“Hindi pa, Singit ka kasi.”

“Ako na lang magsasabi!” Ngisi ni kuya.

Shit. This is it.

“Mahal…”

ano??

“…Carlo.”

Hindi ako makapaniwala. Feeling ko may mali sa tenga ko. Pinaulit ko si kuya. Mga tatlong beses. Tuwang tuwa naman siyang ulit-ulitin yun.

“Mahal ka ni Carlo. Hina mo kasi, pare eh.”

Kaya pala ganun na lang topak nya. Ewan ko. Parang natutuwa ako na hindi sya member ng third sex pero hindi ata talaga tama yung narinig ko. Nagmumurahan na si Carlo at kuya, hindi ko pa rin gets. Basta alam ko, gusto ko yung narinig ko. Masaya akong narinig ko yun.

“O, ano ,tol? Kayo na ba?”

“Ano sya? Sinuswerte?”

Nginitian ko na lang sila. Alam kong alam na nila sagot ko. Hindi pa oo. Hindi naman hindi. Siguro. Malapit na. Hindi ko rin alam. Tulad nga ng sabi ko, hindi ako expert pagdating sa mga ganito. Malay mo. Malay natin? Bago nga kasi to.

Toxicity and what is left of my brain.

2007-08-14T09:09:00.000-07:00

I am under great stress right now. Annoyed and frustrated and very, very disappointed. I am panicking unnecessarily about school stuff and the horrible way my life is heading for the dumpster. See, I can't read without squinting my eyes. I can't write without whacking the side of my head, trying to force ideas out. I can't think.

My brain has, in the course of time, been degraded into a soup-like mass of grey matter. Intelligence has turned into a word I have to spellcheck and and idiocracy is now my new best friend. This I all blame on the pile of schoolwork that I have devoured over the past few days. Especially the ones I have to rush in the past few hours.

I am a crammer. I have always been one. I was BORN a crammer, and despite my mom's constant opposition, I grew up into one. It comes as a surprise that the pressure of deadlines is driving me insane. It has, for the longest time, motivated me into making masterpieces and literary geniuses.

I guess things never tend to stay as they are. Things change, people change. Yeah.

My life is one big teledrama

2007-08-13T05:40:00.000-07:00

No, sweetie, I'm not Marimar. Definitely not Margarita. But my life is just as surreal and as dramatic as theirs. Only, I'm no beautiful damsel, and I don't have what it takes to get a Sergio or other prince charmings to fall for me.

Nevertheless, my life has the twist and turns of a telenovela. And at some point, I find myself expecting worst things to happen. But it's not as bad, you know. But it feels bad. I DO feel bad.

And I guess, I just have to wait for the happy ending that teledramas ALWAYS end up having.

It's Not Easy To Be Me

2007-08-10T08:18:00.000-07:00

My parents had a fight. Bigger than the usual. Real big this time. My Mom decided she had too much of Dad. She wants to leave.

You see, about eleven years ago, my Mom had the same decision. And I, being the oldest, tried to stop her. Crying, howling, until she finally agreed to stay.

I won't do that anymore. I'm tired. And I guess, I ought to be tired. I've been playing middleman all my life. I need to let it go. You can't tie a knot that has ribbons too short. I can't keep trying to pull each end. I'm too weak, too thin, too tired to try.

They're both old enough to know what's right. And I am finally old enough to understand why it is right. Right for them, right for my sisters, and, yes, right for me.

pain

2007-08-09T06:49:00.000-07:00

I was bedridden. I couldn't leave the bed, much less move from the very uncomfortable position i was in.

One rainy day

2007-08-07T20:21:00.000-07:00

I spent the entirety of last night panicking over the requirements I had to submit today. And sulking at the possibility of getting my first ever 5. All this done only to find out that there won't be any classes today. It kinda sucks, but I fell sort of grateful. It felt as if my death sentence was moved to next week.

It was ahorrible ride. On my way to school, my parents had a shotgun of cusses and arguments. Dad wanted to continue driving, mom wanted to stop and turn back--on a one way lane. I laughed it off silently with my sister before dozing off half way through the flooded metro. I woke up to a long sermon, which, as it turns out was intended for me.

I smiled. Rain, or no rain, this is THE life.

Emergency

2007-08-04T00:05:00.000-07:00

At around midnight, my dad started shouting. In my dreams he was shouting my name, scolding me about something I cannot remember. Then it grew louder. He was cursing now. That was when I woke up. I can hear my mom sobbing. For a moment, I thought they were fighting. But it turned out that she was finding it difficult to breathe. I scampered out of bed and ran to check on my mom.

She was having heart burns. Nothing serious. But her having heart problems made dad over react. I was trying to calm them both down when mom complained about the feeling of numbness in her palms. That was when I started panicking. Numbness wasn't caused by heart burns. It had to be something else. After an hour, my dad finally convinced my mom that he HAD to bring her to the hospital.

When we arrived, my mom declared that she was feeling better and that she found it silly to worry the medics about her when she felt fine. I am under the impression that the prospect of having to pay 800 bucks, like my lola did, scared her. She insisted she was alright. The resident doctor thought otherwise. He had a series of test done, blood chem and analysis, plus ECG.

It wasn't until around 4:15 that the results became available. Sitting properly, ignoring the pain caused by trying to sleep on a chair, I braced myself for what may be bad news. It didn't come. As it turns out, my mom had potassium deficiency. (My mom says it's hypertension. She remains unconvinced that not eating bananas caused her sudden rush to the hospital.) At around five, my mom, my dad, and I were finally able to lie in our beds. The heart burns has not hurt my mom for ten hours. All was well.

Happy Drama

2007-08-01T22:52:00.000-07:00

I am, for a change, very, very happy lately.

There's something about the current events in my life that make me smile when I remember them. It's like waking up from a very bad dream. Suddenly realizing that everything that occured in that horrible dream was so far from the happy reality that awaits when you get up from bed to take a bath.

I have, for the longest time, pitied myself. Clinging to the terrifying thought of ending up alone. But I know better now.

My parents, despite the strict imposition of house rules and the impossible expectations, do care for me. They have, not once, missed out on giving me what I needed. In some instances, they even give me what I wanted.

Plus, I now have the kind of friends I always wanted to have: the nice, understanding, not-so-demanding kind. They keep me entertained and sane through the unbearably toxic nights of schoolwork and stress-induced dramas of my life.

And I have him. He promised never to leave me. I am, now, very much convinced that I am living a happy life. I never was, and never will be alone. Ha!

Wallflower crisis

2007-07-29T04:36:00.000-07:00

I never had a prom. Never had a ball. But I guess if I went to one, I'll end up sitting at a table, alone, pretending to be pretty to get someone to dance with me. Pathetic.

I was always a plain Jane. No one special. Never one to get a second look from anyone who passes by. It didn't bother me until I turned thirteen. I was saddened by the fact that I was less mature, uglier, and dumber than the rest of my classmates. No one, not even my parents, think that I am destined for greatness. Just a mediocre teener seeking for more attention. And I guess in the pass years I have proven them right.

I have stayed mediocre in a world that hates mediocrity. I am a wallflower. Unnoticed and unloved.

Too many worries for too small a brain

2007-07-26T04:40:00.000-07:00

My dad always tell me that I'm the smartest of his three kids. But I still doubt that.

For one thing, my grades are just hanging by the average.

Hay.

In the middle of toxicity and heartbreak

2007-07-23T02:32:00.000-07:00

I am currently at the verge of emotional breakdown.

Too much to do, so much I can't handle and too many things I do not understand.

I sort of promised I'd be optimistic for a change, but pessimism got the best of me.

When I woke up, I was attacked by a dose of procrastination. Leavin me with too much to do in so little time. It didn't help that HE shouted at me because he wasn't feeling well. So much for comforting words, huh?

He still hasn't apologized. But the again, I'm just too touchy.

My heart is for sale

2007-05-29T01:06:00.000-07:00

For quite some time I believed that my heart belongs to someone who's heart I also own. But right now, I'm not that sure. I think I lost his through the course of countless fights and undecided issues. My ownership of his heart is yet to be decided. But his refusal to take mine means it is now back in the market.

I don't know much about marketing. I suck at salestalk. So I guess my heart is going to suffer the pain of being unloved and unwanted for a very, very long time.

Maybe it's better that way. I had two boyfriends, fell in love three times and it was never spared from the hurt. You might think that heart ailments would stop it from beating, breathing 'i love you's all around but no. As tired and sick and vulnerable as it is, it still beats. For him. For that person who refuses to care for it.

Birthday Jitters

2007-01-25T18:26:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure when it started. It just did.

I get depressed over the most mababaw things plus my mood changes too quickly.

But, hey, thanks for those who are still trying to understand.

love yah kids.

Uhm

2006-12-25T02:48:00.000-08:00

My head is not working right and I haven't been functioning right.

When Alpha texted, I was more than confused.

I know that I will never be able to rationalize what I did last Friday.

Oh. Well. I love you guys.

I'm suicidal

2006-12-17T02:51:00.000-08:00

It was Friday morning and I was depressed as hell. I had a blade within reach and had to fight hard not to get it. The sad part was that I lost.

No, I obviously didn't die.

Don't start scolding me just yet. I know it's wrong and hell does it scare the wits out of me.

You see, I had the most "mababaw" reason to do it, yet I still did. I so wanted to die that I eventexted my friends "I love you" but I didn't have the guts to say goodbye.

Oh well, I guess I still was sane enough not to cut myself too deep.

Jem is lost

2006-10-23T00:54:00.000-07:00

Catherine Jerelle Tria lost her head yesterday, October 22, 2006, at around 10:00pm.

If you happen to find it, please text Jerelle.

Or if you know where to buy a new one (which pereferably won't cost an arm and a leg) please contact the aforementioned individual. Thank you.

Ako at ang kawalan ng pang sipilyo

2006-08-26T19:29:00.001-07:00

Kauuwi ko lang galing kanila Dana. Success! Nakatulog ako sa bahay nang may bahay. Natulog ako roon nang hindi handa. Wala man lamang akong bitbit na pangsipilyo at undergarments.

It was a fun experience. Having to stay up late, watching vcds and attempting to play cards. The food was great. However, I was too full to enjoy it.

I came from Lia's party at Eastwood pa kasi. Meeting my girls was fun. I wanted to stay but I had to go early. Some people weren't even there yet. But, oh well. Missing part of it to go Danes' party was worth it.

Any way, my parents say di na ako makaka-ulit. Ngunit ipinagdarasal ko pa ring magbago ang kanilang desisyon. Bow.

On Sleepiness

2006-08-24T19:34:00.000-07:00

There's something wrong with the way I started my day. I was up around six, not that early considering I slept at around nine. I took a bath with the privilege of hot water. I know there's nothing to rant about but I simply don't feel all right.

Maybe it has something to do with not seeing someone...

Nah, that's pathetic.

Whatever. Maybe I'll get better when I get to finish eating breakfast.

Random Thoughts

2006-08-23T19:32:00.000-07:00

1. In UP, you'll learn that logic isn't logical.
2. Being in deep thought takes you to oblivion.
3. Long breaks rob us of our sanity.
4. An MRT ride without Alha, Dana and Pao is a lonely ride.
5. Riding an FX or a bus with neither Imman nor Karl is scary.
6. Studying in UP without Anna would be difficult.
7. Having Pearl around makescrushing on *toot* bearable.
8. An 88 in econ doesn't mean you're good at it.
9. Money is better spent. Screw studying it.
10. Going to Auntie Anne's without Macar means we won't ge puh-retzels.
11. Seeing Jan at the brickwall would be utterly SHOCKING.
12. Sitting in Econ class is as tiring as PE class.
13. Sleepng before an Econ or Natsci 4 exam is not an option.
14. I'd rather be an eagle than a dolphin.
15. I don't know what else to write. blech.

If you're a guy thinking of breaking someone's heart read this.

2006-07-04T04:27:00.000-07:00

You see, I don't fucking care if you are bent on breaking that someone's heart. But you have to bear this in mind: when she turns you down, let that be the end of it.

It sucks how guys can't take no for an answer. Especially when he's even serious about it. To be continued...

Tired and sad

2006-06-23T23:32:00.000-07:00

I never thought I'd feel so sad. I tried to be optimistic about how the entire week would turn out. But the changes are too much for me to bear. It left me exhausted.

Thinking back. I saw how brainlessly happy I was. Young, wild and free. Too bad I can't be that kind of girl anymore.

I have too many things to worry about. Too many things to consider. Too many feelings I have to refrain from hurting. I can't just think of myself. Not anymore.

The thought of being held responsible sucks. It is turning me into someone I hated to become. And slowly, I'm starting to hate myself. Something I never thought I'd end up doing.

Brainless writing

2006-06-21T05:07:00.000-07:00

Eating alone, I realized one thing: I speak and act so dumbly because I hate thinking. Most things I do, I do without thinking.

I know I'm human because of my capability to be rational. But this has been hindered by my capability to feel, something I don't feel like giving up.

Thinking sucks. I'd rather feel. I'll live anyway.

Just brainless thoughts.

Late registration sucks

2006-06-14T01:06:00.000-07:00

I will never ever make the mistake of choosing subjects that'll merit late registration again!

Itaga mo yan sa bilbil ng uhmm... kapitbahay namin. I guess I'm just pissed. But still, it sucks. You see, I spent one whole week trying to get enrolled while my cousins (and some friends) have the luxury of airconditioned classrooms and chairs and teaching professors. Not fair.

UP is UP. I have no complaints (as of this moment) as to how we learn and what we learn. We've got (some) good professors and good (enough-torn-into-pieces) classrooms but our late registration process is equivalent to suicide.

I hope someone reads this and changes the (absurd, headache-causing) process.

An Open Letter to Mr. Wrong

2006-06-08T19:59:00.000-07:00

Dear You,

Remember how I said you seemed like every little thing I wanted despite the fact that you are the complete opposite of every standard I set for the guy I want to like? You don’t? Well, don’t try remembering, I never did. But now you know.

I don’t really remember how it all started and I don’t even know what it is. It just happened, like an unexplainable phenomenon, like the big bang only this occurred in a really small part of myself that it blew the rest of me to bits and pieces.

It wasn’t how I imagined it to be. You see, you weren’t exactly Mister Dreamboat. You were some plain guy sitting down that chair, staring up in space like some weird thing would appear any minute.

But your eyes, they were different from those I stared at before. They weren’t my usual preference but they were breath taking nonetheless. Still I don’t exactly fall for every beautiful eye I see. Your eyes were no excuse.

It couldn’t be because you were nice, because you weren’t that at all. You were rude and painstakingly impossible to get along with.

Yet I did. Somehow, I was able to decipher that entangled brain of yours and got to know you better. But still, your treatment of me didn’t change.

You were your haughty self, but it seemed like you cared, even just a little. It felt like you did. But then again, I’m not a sucker for caring thoughtful male specimen. Still that wasn’t an excuse.

Now I’m out of reasonable alibis for falling in deep fruck for you. I guess, I never will find a good one. Because no matter how hard I try, I will never find a single acceptable reason for falling deeper into this, whatever it is.

Got that?
Me

Excerpts from Avril Lavaigne’s My Happy Ending

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

Diary Entry written on March 21, 2006

2006-06-08T19:55:00.000-07:00

I don’t know which of my blogs or my journals or my countless diaries contain my ranting about boredom. Anyway, in that entry, I said that boredom makes you apathetic. Well, I take that back. It isn’t boredom that causes apathy, it is lack of sleep.

You see, when you’ve had, like, less than two hours of sleep, you couldn’t care less if your parents suddenly throw out the self pity crap you hear at telenovelas-slash-koreanovelas-slash-fantaseryes your grandmother watches everyday. When they go “Hindi mo ako naiintindihan, Gilberto…” “Hindi Rosalinda, ikaw ang hindi nakakaintindi…” I go into my own self pity crap that goes like this: “Lord, why me? Why give me parents that go ballistic at four in the morning? Why, Lord? Why?” Kidding. No, my dad’s name isn’t Gilberto and my mom certainly isn’t Rosalinda but they could well in hell be Gilberto and Rosalinda with all the rhetorical speeches and crap they threw each other this morning.

Don’t get me wrong, I love them both, I really do. But when you suddenly want to ask them when they’d like to grow up, you couldn’t help but want to shoot a bullet into your head pleading temporary insanity when Saint Peter sends you to hell. No, I haven’t (cousin’s alarm clock rings loudly) really tried (alarm clock rings louder) to com (alarm goes crazy) mit sui (alarm becomes unbearable) Fruck it, that does it. (Goes in the next room, wakes cousin up and murders the alarm clock. Damn it, why do these abhorable things do that? They do it all the time. When I get all philosophical, they ruin it. When I get deep, they ruin it too! Argh.) As I was saying, I haven’t really tried to commit suicide. Well, I did. Once. But the blade hasn’t really touched my wrist and I go “maybe next time.”

I don’t exactly expect my parents to be at peace all the time, but I expect them to at least deal with their difference like the professionals that they are. Sometimes, seeing them bicker like that make me not want to grow up in the fear that I would turn into one of them. Like I said, I love them both but I’m getting tired of trying to understand. I grew up trying and I still couldn’t. I guess I never will. Who cares? By this time tomorrow, I’ll probably dead anyway, thinking of self-pity crap, philosophy and anthropology.

Things you learn for 150bucks

2006-05-31T20:33:00.000-07:00

I just came from a tiring trip in an effort to get a passport. No where special to go. I got one just for the sake of having one.

You see, I've always been aware that Filipinos get pretty inventive when it comes to ways in which they acquire income. But it sucks to find out that some of these creative ways are a actually a detriment to others.

My dad was trying his best not to fall for any tricky fixer uhm... trick, but this guy started pushing and pulling us around saying he works for the department and found faults on my extremely acceptable picture and said I have to have it retaken. So I did, it costs 150 buck. A seemingly small amount.

That was when we heard the freaking announcement that says we should proceed to the gate and go nowhere else since the place is littered with picture shops and studios luring people in. See? 150 isn't really that big but it is such a big amount for stupidity.

I know we've got to earn for a living but never to the detriment of others. Well, just a thought.

Septuagenarians

2006-05-27T06:46:00.000-07:00

"Mary Moon... will out-live all the septuagenarians"-dead eye dick

I have one goal : to out-live Mary Moon before I turn eighteen.

Got that?